BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO

I've never been divorced. No one in my family has been divorced. No, really it's true. In three months my beloved and I will have been married for twenty-five years. Twenty-five! That's a boatload of years. I truly cannot believe it's been so long. So I don't know the true pain of divorce, but I think I can relate. Six weeks ago, we made the hard decision to leave our church. I will not go into long details or make this into any sort of gossip, we simply left because after praying for some time, wrestling with it, we had lost confidence in the leadership.Confidence, like toothpaste squeezed from a tube, is impossible to regain. This isn't to say those who remain should leave, it simply was the direction, after much prayer, we felt God leading us to go. This was a path which we didn't know where it would lead, we simply had faith God would reveal it to us. Like divorce, leaving has been painful. I miss my brothers and sisters. I miss familiarity. I miss routine.

We've been worshiping at a new church where there have been many signs and confirmations it's where we are to be.  Worship has been pure again for me, with out the distractions I had been struggling with.  But like the pain after a break up, it's been hard to trust and let go. Attending a new church feels similar to dating. It's like when you go out on those first couple of dates after a big break up and you look for the comfort in familiarity. It's just not there. Why? Because "the new guy" isn't the "old guy". By new and old I mean the church. The poor "new guy", it's not his fault. He is different, and awesome in his own way, but you long for the familiar, the cozy, the easy stuff.

I hate having to refer to things in the context of "my old church, and "my new church". When I hear my four year old say it, it breaks my heart. In fact, I had not even been using the term "my church" but "the church I've been attending." I never intended to leave the former, never intended to not be there forever. I do know I'm where I am supposed to be. I do know this new relationship is the start of something great and I look forward to the days of not being "the first few dates" but a real working partnership and I sincerely hope a forever marriage. I look forward to serving and being used for all God has called me to be. I may have failed in this relationship, but God didn't.

While this except from Marshall Segal, executive assistant to John Piper is about breakups of romance, I feel it does sum up how I feel.
Jesus went before the broken-hearted to pave the way for joy in pain. We live, survive, and thrive by looking to him, “who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross” (Hebrews 12:2). His joy before the wrath of God against sin is our first and greatest reason to fight for joy — not just survival — after a breakup. If you believe that, then make the most of this breakup, knowing God has chosen this particular path to grow and gratify you in ways that last. No relationship you have in this life will last forever, but the good things that happen through them in you — even through their sorrows, yes even through their collapses — will.

Seriously Christians?

So I really don't have time to write a blog post, however I just cannot stay silent on the recent Phil Robertson Duck Dynasty uproar. I didn't get into the Chic Fil A controversy but here I am and I feel compelled to write.

Christians need to remember in this day of social media it's not what we believe that matters but how we go about living it out. Jesus called us to love. Period.  Enough already on which sin is what, and who's lifestyle you don't agree with. If you would like to know what I believe then come meet me for coffee or lunch. I'll even pick up your tab. I'd love to sit down with anyone who wonders what I as a Christian believe, and why I believe it. What you won't see me do is post my belief system on sin on social media. Why? Because those who do not have my belief system or do not understand my faith could possibly view it as bigotry or hatred. Folks, this is NOT what Jesus intended. He told us, Christians, to LOVE.

Personally I think there was an agenda here.  I think A&E wants out from under this Christian show. Perhaps the Robertsons have made a big enough name for themselves they no longer want to be handcuffed by A&E.
Perhaps Phil was too naive  to realize he was set up? Or he didn't care? The media loves to twist things for their anti-Christian agenda and he played right into it.
Don't fall into the trap! Christians, love your neighbors! Love them! Let your life be an example of what you believe. Let your words glorify God. In the end, it won't be up to us humans to judge.

John 13:34-35  “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

What would Jesus have ME do?

A little selfie love

Deep discussion this week with my dear sister in Christ had me really thinking about a lot of things. What DO I actually believe? I mean I have moved past basic faith. I am sold out to Jesus. I wake up every day trying my hardest to live for God's glory.  I have also struggled with deeper philosophies and practices of today's churches. Turns out after googling til my eyes bled, I am not down with the "seeker sensitive" movement. I won't go into all my reasons but Romans 3:10-12 tells us that no one seeks God. I'm wary of most teachers (sorry but I'm over you James MacDonald) and long for the pure words of the apostle Paul. I'm about ready to worship with a small group of believers in my kitchen or move to the state where the Church at Brookhills is located. 

Out of all this wrestling, if you will, has come a deeper sense of my need for scripture and thus my new discipline of carving out quiet time for devotion and bible reading. I get up an hour before most of the kiddos and am trying to be intentional about scripture. Bible time. Not feel good devotional reading, true honest scripture and how it applies to my life.

I was raised in church and while I might consider myself to have only been saved about four years, I would not consider myself an infant in my faith. 

Recently the question was posed  "Would Jesus go to a gay wedding" It was kind of a twist on the nineties "What would Jesus Do."  At first I didn't know how I even felt about the question. Tonight as I had some time to really think about it, I thought about how it really didn't matter what I thought. Jesus isn't here now, he's on the throne interceding for us. He doesn't live in human form in today's culture. He gave us instructions on how to live. He taught us to LOVE our enemies and to love our neighbor as we love our self. Anyone who's taken a selfie or two knows there is a lot of self love out there these days, but not a whole lot of helping or loving our neighbor. (Who is our neighbor ---EVERYONE)

I really think the question should be "What would Jesus have ME do."  Jesus called us to live in truth and love, to not compromise either. I haven't done the best job in the discipleship arena  but I have had a couple of people model it for me and I hope to follow their lead. The bible teaches us truth, and how being in the word helps me discern truth. I love Jesus. I won't ever stop trying to show people how my life was redeemed. I won't stop in my quest to advocate for the orphan. It really doesn't matter what I think about if Jesus would have driven a BMW or went to Starbucks. 

Personal conviction

Lately I have been struggling at a crossroads. Where to go from here? Now, don't get me wrong, some of my life's direction is very clear and some not so clear. I have been trying to be very quiet and listen to God. I have prayed continually throughout my days and have tried to amp up my quiet time. I learning to discern pretty quickly what is Spirit led, what is my own desire, and what could be man's desire disguised as God's desire.

Here is what I know about my life thus far...
For two years now, Chris and I have had a very clear direction from God. Adopt two orphans from China. Advocate for more children who need homes. James 1:27 lived out. Chris is such an amazing man, and I know he is humble and wouldn't want attention called to him, but he lives out James 1:27 in many tangible ways.
We understand radical obedience. We understand sacrifice. When we were called to adopt the first time, we sacrificed our dreams and plans for our future. We agreed to start over with the baby/toddler years. For the second adoption God took us up a few levels in His call to obedience. He asked us to face adversity. We didn't have the support we had the first time. He asked us walk blind with out one dime saved or in our human minds any way possible to secure the funds. Yet, as we boldly continued on to be obedient to Him, he blessed us at every crossroad.

Books like "Radical" and "Not a Fan" are my blue prints for life. I strive to live better, serve God more, and glorify Him daily. So hard for such a sinner like me! Yet, I know I serve an awesome God and I know that this life is nothing compared to the next ETERNAL life. Yep, ETERNAL means forever. This life...a blink. Nothing.

I am sold out to Jesus yet I am not sold out to man. Which means  if I believe God is leading me in a direction contrary to a large group of others it doesn't mean I am trying to divide or I am a tool for unbelief.
It simply means in my quiet still time, I know God has a big plan for my life and I am going to follow it. When that still small voice speaks to go the opposite of those around me it doesn't mean I am hearing the wrong message.

I am called to:
Live Radical for Jesus
Serve Him
Glorify Him in my daily life
Love everyone and Share with them the promise of eternal life
Advocate for those who have no voice: the orphan, the enslaved, the trafficked.

I know for sure that I am:
A sinner with no hope to atone for any of my actions myself
A sinner SAVED by Grace, the redeeming power of Christ's death and resurrection.
A passionate advocate who will work tirelessly to all God calls me to.

The coming year I will strive to further deepen my relationship with Christ and mature in my daily spiritual walk.
I will work hard to bring more of the lost home to families who can share with them the love of Jesus. Adoption isn't plan B when Plan A fails. Adoption is something God did for all of us and CALLS US TO LIVE OUT. I will explore learning how I can help those who are trafficked and those who are enslaved in countries and face abuse.

What I  won't do:
Stroke anyone's ego
Follow along with a majority for the sake of following a majority
Take credit for anything (I am being equipped by God)
Quiet my voice for the Orphan

Sticks and Stones

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Ephesians 4:29

Today my heart is heavy for the lost world, but I feel while I am in a place of sorrow and loss for those who have not yet professed Jesus as their Lord and Savior, I want to get something else out which has been bothering me for a while.

The verse I referenced above has been an important life verse to me for several years. I have considered getting a tattoo on my wrist just to remind me every second of every day what it means. Yes, it’s that important. Yes, it is something I mess up daily. Paul wrote this in his letter to the church at Ephesus, they were to be living examples of the love of Christ. They were to set themselves apart, to show the world they were different. The same text applies to us now in present day. I’m sure if Paul were here now he’d have a LOT to say about social media!

 How often are we as Christians judged by what comes out of our mouths? All the time! In fact, ask most people who despise religious people or Christians why, and most of the time it will be because of what they hear us say.

Words are very powerful. In the past five years social media has exploded. Society has changed because of it. Social media can be a powerful tool and used in a positive way. It can promote love; it can share news of joy. It can also be used to spread hate and destroy lives.

Recently I have been puzzled by the actions of a few who profess boldly to be Christians but their written words have displayed quite the opposite. It’s heartbreaking to see my fellow believers whom I love destroy what is good by their words.  Do not get me wrong, I am not judging. I am deeply saddened and puzzled. I believe social media and public forums serve a purpose, but the purpose is not to tear down.  I urge those who are struggling to resolve bitterness in a private way, either through prayer or private conversations and resolutions, and examine the motive behind social media posts.

Brothers and sisters we are judged by society in our words and actions especially in public forums. We can’t profess to live for God’s Glory then spit in His face by our words. I’m not perfect and I don’t profess to be. This was profoundly on my heart and I felt it needed to be written.

1 Corinthians 13

New International Version (NIV)

13 If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part,¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Who will love HER?

Today was a good day. The woman I had met through amazing circumstances, happened to be in Troy with her family. Thankfully she has a really outgoing spirit and called us to see if we could all visit. Her children are from China. A girl, who is in third grade and a precious boy with albinism in kindergarten. It was so great to meet all of them, and to meet another China boy with albinism. Oh he is the cutest thing! This afternoon I was looking at a website of children who are available for adoption in China. One little girl had caught my eye last night when someone posted to a Facebook group I am a part of. I had watched the video and was drawn to her, but I am drawn to quite a few albinism children...which is why I am on this journey!

Today I went back and looked at her videos and pictures. She is beautiful. She is nine years old. She does not have any mental delays or other handicaps other than she is a strawberry blonde girl in a land of dark haired girls and she has vision issues associated with Albinism. She did appear to be younger than nine to me, which is normal given she has grown up more than likely in an orphanage setting. Those "delays" which are not real delays at all usually disappear when in a regular family setting.

She is beautiful, her file says she loves being girly and dressing in pretty things. The clock is ticking. She is already nine years old. She doesn't have a lot of time to find a family. I know we are not her family, yet I cannot get her out of my mind. I felt the need to advocate for her. I feel conflicted though. Currently she is not listed with my agency, which means a couple of things. If A) after some time if no one working with the agency proceeds with adopting her, her file would return to the shared list where a family working with my agency would be able to view and lock her file, or occasionally files are transferred, but I don't have any idea if this could happen. I do know she is available to adopt and despite the possibility of not being with my agency I feel called to advocate for her.

As I sit here and reflect over the community mobilization in two days to save a well loved business (and I cast no stones about it), my heart breaks and I pray to God to help me understand WHY there isn't such urgency to rescue these children? At fourteen this precious child will not be able to be adopted. She will be shunned by her homeland and there won't be many resources for her to find a job. Many girls turn to the sex trade or worse especially those who look "different". Or she could grow up a beautiful, blonde haired little girl in a country of many colors and opportunities and the opportunity to hear the Gospel.

Are you called to be her family? Are you called to step out in faith? We would work night and day to help you do this. There are photos and videos of her available. We are called to assist. And not just this child if adoption is on your heart. Don't wait for the big neon sign to fall from the sky, this IS THE SIGN. If you are reading this and it tugs at your heart, please contact me for information on starting your adoption journey. I will help you wade through all the confusing things. The older children need advocates. Now. The clock is ticking....

Call me "Mara"

I am struggling.

I have been for a while now. 

I love my new life in Christ. I have peace and joy I've never had. I've seen God's will for my life placed before my eyes in miraculous ways. Yet, I struggle with all of it.

I struggle to make good choices each day. I struggle with waking up living to glorify God. I fall back into old behavior. 

Anger.

Anger is a place I like to go an sit for a while, a long while. I don't want to let go. I like it there. Yet now, I know, as a Christian it's wrong. It's wrong to hold onto anger. It's wrong to be bitter. I think about Naomi, Ruth's mother in law (Ruth 1:20) who was so down on life, she asked people to call her "Mara" which means bitter. Naomi threw the mother of all pity parties for herself. She couldn't see what was coming. She couldn't see the road in front of her, yet God blessed her.

Today I faced something I knew was coming. I knew in my heart, and I knew how I'd react and I knew it wouldn't be good. I didn't know the news would come with a twist, one of betrayal and heartache for someone I love deeply. Whenever this happens I want to come out swinging. I want to shout to the world of the misdeeds of others and how they have wronged someone I love more than anything. 

Where in this, though, shows the glory of God? Where does it show my devotion to Him? It doesn't. In fact it points everything away from Him and directly into my poor behavior. It points to sin. It robs Him of all He is due, and cheats me out of seeing the blessings in life.

Hebrews 12:14-15 warns against rejecting God's grace.

"Pursue peace with everyone, and holiness-without it no one will see the Lord. Make sure that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no root of bitterness springs up, causing trouble and by it, defiling many.

A good friend of mine once introduced the concept of grace to me by a visual term. A "grace dispenser". Something we all possess. My dispenser gauge always seems to scream "EMPTY", lately. It takes quiet time and prayer to fill up on the grace we need for the day. Running on fumes serves no purpose and causes me to stumble quite a bit.

Thankfully, there is restoration for me. The grace I need to extend to others, is completely and fully extended to me each and every time I mess up. God loves me and He's there to restore me. If He can do this for me, then I in turn need to turn to Him for the strength He provides me in displaying a life lived for God. To fill my grace dispenser into overflowing status.

2 Peter 1:5-8

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge, and to knowledge, self-control;and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

My prayer for today is asking for God's grace to penetrate and to have a completely forgiving heart. To pray for those who don't even know they walk in darkness. To have my heart so broken for the lost, it causes any anger toward them to be turned into kindness, love and grace. 

Organization, commitments and Glory to God

I used to be totally organized to the point of being ridiculous. When my oldest children were in grade school we had tons of friends, tons of bbq's complete with matching dishes and decorations, for a simple bbq!
I made home made valentines with my kids and was volunteer coordinator for one of the grade schools, long after my youngest at the time had moved on to another school. I did it for me. I organized and showed up on time, with out fail to organize picture days, classroom parties and book fairs. I organized and coordinated a teacher appreciation luncheon, not so much for the teachers but for my own glory. I lived to be organized, praised, and people knew they could count on me. I found time in my late thirties to exercise, eat right and fit into three prom dresses and a wedding dress all worn with there was "teen" at the end of my age number.

"organized me" from 2008

The one day in 2009 my life changed. It changed slowly at first. At first I was still the same, I could keep things in my life balanced. As God began to work more on my heart, and as I began to listen more, I became convicted God was calling me to do more. Serving means giving of yourself. It means surrendering to God's purpose. I never pictured myself as someone who's laundry might need to go through several wash cycles, I never knew I might show up for a gymnastics class on the wrong day.I never knew I'd have the courage to take in a stranger.  I never knew I'd even have the courage to navigate my way through an international adoption, nor could I ever picture myself late for anything. I never thought I would have to evaluate what I could or couldn't manage. I used to be able to do it all, with clean floors one could eat off as a bonus! Over time I have come to realized the most important things in life and the plans I had for me no longer exist. I let go of the life I planned for me. I'm no longer going to try an apologize for things I cannot do, or be made to feel guilty about them. I don't have clean floors, there's dog barf stains on my carpet, and I may not get a shower today. But when I get up everyday, I give glory to God for my salvation and I try desperately to serve Him and bring Him glory in all that I do. I fall short miserably, but each day I try. I love my family and my biggest commitment this year is to be the wife and mom I need to be. Each day I work on patience and praying for those who are imprinted on my heart. My passions are serving my God, sharing the Gospel, extending grace, loving my family, and by actively living out the Gospel by adoption and advocacy for those who cannot help themselves. I've had to evaluate my life and what I can actively do giving one hundred percent. I've prayed and felt God directing me to what is most important. I would love to be able to please all people, all the time and have everyone "love" me. In the end, I would lose myself and my purpose God has for my life.

Love, Life and Loss

There I was, living life, maybe struggling just a little bit. Marriage, just like life, has it's ups and downs. We get busy, life happens. We let those we love walk out the door and just maybe in  the moment we are a little irritated with them. A week ago Monday, when I heard the news a young trooper, who was a young husband and father was killed it took me back in time. I imagined back to a time when I was the young trooper's wife. People would ask, "aren't you afraid", to which I would confidentially reply back, "of course not, I know how well he's trained and I know how much he loves this job". Inside though, I always carried the fear. Of course I was afraid! It was always something in the back of my mind then. It didn't consume my life, but it was always there but I knew how much he loved his job and I couldn't imagine him doing anything but what he loved.

So much is swirling in my head when I think about Sarah I cannot even put words to how I feel. When I think of her, I cannot breathe, the emotion and connection to her is overwhelming. I don't want Chris to leave my side, but I know reality is one can't live a normal life in this manner.

I know this lifetime is short and in my heart I understand why bad things happen. My God is always good even when bad things happen. I know the sure promise of eternal life. But for now, I just cannot seem to wash every last undershirt. 

Love

A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.-John 13:34-35

Love. What is love? It’s the question every human asks, and emotion every human seeks out. We humans have such a dim, selfish view of love. We have the“what have you done for me lately” kind of emotion. 

Lately I’ve been on a personal journey. A journey God set me on nearly two years ago. Teaching me, by little baby steps what it means to love Him and serve Him.

I didn’t want to take this journey, I felt I was growing in my faith, I was serving. Why, did I have to do some of this other “stuff”?

Two years ago, God brought a young woman and her two children into our lives. They have constantly been woven into our story, God’s story. Recently when I sought treatment to have her wisdom teeth removed, I faced a few obstacles. Many judged whether or not she actually needed the treatment, many thought we should just let her “figure it out on her own”. Having seen huge progress in her life and her personal relationship with Jesus, I knew God was nudging me to be her advocate.  I mean, really…why else was I given such a loud voice? If I can’t use it to serve God, what purpose does it serve?

What I realized today, it wasn’t about teeth, it wasn’t about who deserved what, but about love.

It was about Christians stepping up at showing love. Many came forward to help. One selfless family cared for her two children for two solid days and nights. One woman said to me “sometimes we can’t ignore God’s prompting in our hearts”.This is the kind of love which only comes from the Holy Spirit. God calls us to love, not judge, period. I’ve spent a lot of time being convicted of this. Being shown, by allowing the Holy Spirit to convict me, I am to judge NO ONE. Not the mom on welfare, not they annoying guy on his cell phone at the store, not even Honey Boo Boo’s family. (Google Honey Boo Boo if you have no idea what I’m talking about) In the eyes of God, we are all sinners. Loving people is hard work, something we can’t do on our own. We must ask the God to break our hearts and being willing to change. Loving people who already love us is easy.

If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them.-Luke 6:32

The substance of our love should be the way non-believers see who we are. It is a requirement for our faithful testimony. It is the virtual tattoo on our foreheads. It’s how we live.

The first night after her procedure, I stayed up with Brit and slept in the other recliner next to her. In the early morning hours I woke to silence, listening for a moment for the sounds of her breath. The night before He had whispered to me, “she needs a mother”, and I listened. I didn’t want to. I really wanted to sleep in my own bed, next to my husband, but I heard the voice and I listened. I did what needed to be done. I didn’t want to, but I knew I would do it anyway.

Three days later after getting her settled back home with the kids, I received the text below. Nothing in the world could be more valuable to me than these words. I could have never experienced this joy, had I not been willing to hear His commandments.

I’ve cried three times today (maybe it’s the no real food getting to me) when I thought about you and everything you did for me. Not in a million years did I think I would ever get a mom that I KNEW loved and cared for me. When I was younger it was a big thing for my “mom” to even rub my head when I was sick and there you are, sleeping next to me making sure I’m alive. Honestly, I knew one day I would learn to love Chris as a dad, because that role was empty. I figured we’d be like bff’s because I thought I had a mom. But I know see what a mom truly is and I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart. For it all. I never thought I’d have a mom like you. I love you so much. –Love, your daughter, Brittany

Oh yeah, let me remove that log, first!

  Matthew 7:1-3

1“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

3“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

This verse has always been pretty important to me. It was so important to me, that early on, on my Facebook page I had it written in the quotations section. It was important to me, because I have been a "judge" most of my life. I was taught to judge by many "teachers' through out my life. Let's face it, as humans- judging makes us feel good. We love to judge because we look better than the one we are casting our judgement upon. Gossip ties into this. Oh, my biggest weakness! Gossip is thrilling, two women chatting about someone else's misstep, life choice or hairstyle makes us feel better about ourselves. When we first started radically different living, living according to God's purpose, this verse was one first which jumped off the page and into my heart. Yet, it is the one thing I fall down daily about. THE one thing I have been convicted lately to focus on to remove as much of it as possible.

^{Ephesians 4:29}

²⁹ Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

That verse is so important to me, I've considered a time or two tattooing it on my wrist in hopes I would remember to stop before I spoke.

Back two and a half years ago, God began working on my heart in this area. He called me to work  in the ministry of helping teen moms. Most of our lives we had spent being pretty pleased with our choices in life. Chris had a great, stable job with awesome benefits and I stayed at home. Watching the news, or even being out in public I always patted myself on the back with my "good choices." We judged those on welfare or who in our opinion, didn't need it. DH saw plenty of people in his job who collected public aid and never lifted a finger to help themselves out of poverty.

Then one day, God changed our hearts. I had been working in the teen mom ministry for about a year, with many different girls with different stories. But it was surface work. I'd show up, be a "mentor" and go home. Nothing much changed in my heart, and I probably was pretty pleased with what I was doing. Then one day a girl walked into a meeting who changed my life. She had the most beautiful baby girl I think I had ever seen outside of my own daughter. I was immediately drawn to this girl. After some months, her situation caused her to need a home. We took her in. We had never done anything so radical. We took in a stranger! People said we were either crazy or saints. We were nether. God was just showing us in a real and tangible and very painful way, "here's a lesson on judgement". That was a really tough time and I cried almost daily of the challenges of being a mom and now "nana" to three strangers.

The love and encouragement I had known growing up was never taught to her. She was left alone at a young age, and in her early teenage years cast aside to take care of herself. Because she didn't know where to look for love and fulfillment, she went looking in the wrong places. Which brought her to our church. Her life story is still unfolding, but she has made significant strides in life, working towards bettering her life and her children. She became a Christian. She is no longer living under our roof, but still apart of our family. She considers us "mom" and "dad". She teaches me daily new challenges to what I once believed. God continues to teach me how to give grace daily. I fail at this task almost daily. My texts to two mentors are always filled with judgement of others, and gently they remind me about grace. Grace is what Christians are supposed to show when the person does not merit it because no matter what life choices we make, GOD STILL SHOWS US GRACE. 

Today, I saw about three posting images about the Iphone and public aid on Facebook. I see one posted on Facebook at least once a day. For most of my life up I would have been one to publicly post or share it as well. I am ashamed to admit one of them I didn't post but texted recently between a friend because I was again, judging and elevating myself. 

Sometimes the mama bear in me comes out because of those I love are being judged. My girl had never been given much of a chance by society before she came to our group and our family and many Christian women became a part of her life. I'm not taking much of the credit, we temporarily gave her a roof over her head and a family she could call her own. Many more women have come along side her to mentor, give advice and educate. It's what God called us to do. James 1:27 commands us to take care of the orphans and widows of the world. I don't think back in Jesus' time there were teen moms, so I'd like to think in 2012 this verse applies to them as well.

When I first started with the teen mom group I was told our church was one of several asked to provide a home for this group's meetings. Most churches turned them down which is a pretty big statement in itself. Titus calls older, mature Christian women to mentor younger women. It doesn't say only those young women making good choices in their lives. 

I was born with a pretty passionate outgoing personality. For most of my life I have used it either to judge or self promote. God has convicted me since I am going to have such a loud voice I should use it for those who don't have one. I'm no saint. I fall down daily, I yell at my kids, I gossip, I eat too much food, I worry if my house is "clean enough". But I love Jesus and I want to advocate for those who have no voice. I'm pretty sure I still have that log in my eye, one day I look forward to being restored to glorify God the way He intended for me to do.

That girl sure is cute, right?!

 This is what I said to my husband as I pulled up this photo. "Who is that?", he asked. My question had been sarcastic, I mean, IT'S ME!!! Sure it's about five years old now, but still. This particular photo has been in my mind a lot lately. I remember the day. It was a snow day. The kids were off school. I was bored. I put my hair into crazy pigtails, did some big time makeup and then pulled out my camera. "Here...come take pictures of mommy...for myspace." Yes. I've said that on more than one occasion.


 That particular journey weight loss, fitness, tattoos, piercings, was a crazy time for me. It became such a part of me, all the fitness and what I thought was healthy eating. Sure we ate better, but I was putting four sweetnlow's in my coffee everyday. Every photo, everything was about ME, who would look at me, who would think I was hot, the attention high is very powerful. Being sexy is time consuming.It's mind consuming. It's also very empty. Let me repeat, very empty.I needed new, cute photos or experiences to fill that void. It was never enough. Eventually life would catch up with me. My husband would face a couple of health crisis', it became too easy to not work out. I'm kind of on the lazy side. The weight didn't come back right away. During this time I became part of two amazing families.The Bethel Baptist Family and God's Family. Both who loved me unconditionally. It didn't matter what I looked like, I was loved. It made it easy to slip into old habits, I mean I didn't need them to love me for what I looked like, they loved me for me. God loved me.

I began to realize everything in life is to be for God's glory. Do we really think overeating is just a part of our life we can keep separate? Needing food more than God is okay? No, it's not.

1 Corinthians 6:13
Food is for the stomach and the stomach is for food, but God will do away with both of them. Yet the body is not for immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord is for the body.

This new gear towards healthy eating is fueled by new motivations. One, I am to glorify God in all that I do. What I eat, why I eat is included. My workouts should be for His glory, not mine. My appearance, should it change (let's hope so, nothing in my closet fits!!) is for God's glory. Not my own. I want to be able to have more energy, more time, more organization to spread the Gospel. Oh yeah, that's right. I need energy for my little helper to arrive soon. Little Ellie and her story will certainly speak to God's glory. I'm also going to need all the energy I can get to take care of her.

Play list five years ago for work out

Kidd Rock

Christina Aguilera

Nickelback

Buckcherry (yeah, THAT song)

Play list  for today's workout.

Skillet

Decyfer Down

The Letter Black

Lecrae

"And lo I am with you always, even to the ends of the earth"

"I'm here with your husband and they are taking him by ambulance to the hospital"

These are words no wife wants to hear in her lifetime. These are words no mother, no grandmother, no anyone, want to hear in their lifetime. As I began to drive the long twenty minutes to the hospital to meet the ambulance, I knew it was serious. It was head trauma from a line drive in his softball game. I never was very comfortable with him playing third base, but like anything else he had a passion for, I tried not to be too much of a pest about it. I had spoken to him over the phone and had heard his voice, yet as I drove, fear gripped me. I began praying. I knew the injury was serious and my mind thought of all the "what ifs". I also knew that MY God was good no matter what, and the story being written, my story, Chris' story was actually God's story. I prayed for protection, and I prayed for healing. Beyond that I knew everything else was His .I heard in my head a portion of, the precious bible verse Matthew 28:20 "lo, I am with you always, even to the ends of the earth." A comforting peace surrounded the fear. There was still fear. I am human. I know that my God controls all things but being human, sin allows fear to creep in. After a few tests and a decision to transfer him to a larger hospital, I rode with him in the ambulance. I wasn't allowed in back, so I sat in the passenger seat up front. Occasionally there was silence and so I began singing the song which was in my head "How great thou art". I have no idea why this particular song was in my head. I didn't sing it very loud because I was having trouble remembering all the words and I didn't want to embarrass myself! One of our wonderful ministers, John, stayed with us the whole night until Chris was transferred to a room. It was a miracle he wasn't in ICU as some of the doctors had said he would be. John prayed with us right before he left the hospital, staying up all night to be there for us and to comfort us. The first couple of days I would say Chris actually looked worse, but his condition improved. He stayed for a couple days in the hospital but then was released with no more bleeding on his brain! Praise God! Steadily over the last week he has improved dramatically. His nasty swelling, pink,purple and yellow colors to his eyes have went away. I thought recently my future is uncertain, and that thought gripped me with a little fear and anxiety, but don't we all face uncertainty? There is no guarantee in this lifetime how long we have. Preparation is nice but it means nothing. I prepare everyday now for Ellie's arrival, but I know God is writing the story. I trust him. God is always good, Jesus is coming back, and in this I have the promise of eternal bliss with Him in heaven. It's the only promise I want, and the only promise I need.

Quiet Thoughts

Today I read in anguish of a mother's pain. Her world has crumbled around her and my heart breaks for her. The thing that struck me the most was her difficulty in this moment to feel joy for someone else's blessings. In an effort to feel what she was feeling my mind tumbled back to a time when I was feeling the same thing. Despite all my blogging and public posts over the years, it's not a topic I've ever written about before. I was taken back to a time almost exactly twelve years ago when I had a miscarriage at twelve weeks. I remember being very bitter,not two weeks after losing the baby that I was told of someone having twins in my same due date month.(If you have never had a miscarriage, let's just say one becomes very possessive of their "due date month") I remember feeling so angry and bitter. I remember thinking awful things like they already had numerous children and I did not "deserve" to lose mine. Today as I put myself back in that place I realized how wrong I had been. For the last year I have seen how devout in her faith this person is, how I have spoke often about her faith and how successfully she has raised her children. God reminded me of this today. After twelve years I stood ashamed and guilty and asked for forgiveness for my ignorance, shallowness, and sin.

Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you Also known as I wrote this blog for YOU!

As I sit here drinking my coffee every morning, reading through which posts Facebook thinks I should see (is it really Facebook? Think about it) I see many posts of anguish. I see so many people struggling and my heart breaks for them. There are two groups of those who struggle. Those who struggle WITH God and those who struggle WITHOUT Him. The first group has struggles. Sure all people, including Christians have struggles. It's because there is sin in the world! Duh! You don't become a Christian, wait let me rephrase..you don't allow Jesus to come into your life and magically poof your life is perfect. It doesn't work that way.

But the difference is in how you experience your struggles. With out Jesus I imagine life's struggles would be about as productive as banging your head agains a wall. Doesn't help much, does it? You still feel overwhelmed like you are sinking, right? Hey, I'm talking to YOU, keep reading!

Those who truly walk with God daily and understand lifes struggles are a blessing! What? A bessing? The worst things to happen are a blessing? Yes, they are. And we can learn from them. I have seen Godly people who love the Lord come through some gut wrenching things all the while praising Him. There is a peace one has when they struggle WITH God and allow him to carry their burden than if they did it alone.

Now, read the second line in this Psalm

"Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you;

He will never allow the righteous to be shaken."

See that word, righteous? Some translations say "Godly" some say "upright man" some say "just"

What it is talking about here is those who walk with God he has promised to love them and never leave them no matter what! Let me repeat, those who walk WITH him!

So ask yourself, are you walking with Him or with out Him?
Psalm 55