I have been for a while now.
I love my new life in Christ. I have peace and joy I've never had. I've seen God's will for my life placed before my eyes in miraculous ways. Yet, I struggle with all of it.
I struggle to make good choices each day. I struggle with waking up living to glorify God. I fall back into old behavior.
Anger.
Anger is a place I like to go an sit for a while, a long while. I don't want to let go. I like it there. Yet now, I know, as a Christian it's wrong. It's wrong to hold onto anger. It's wrong to be bitter. I think about Naomi, Ruth's mother in law (Ruth 1:20) who was so down on life, she asked people to call her "Mara" which means bitter. Naomi threw the mother of all pity parties for herself. She couldn't see what was coming. She couldn't see the road in front of her, yet God blessed her.
Today I faced something I knew was coming. I knew in my heart, and I knew how I'd react and I knew it wouldn't be good. I didn't know the news would come with a twist, one of betrayal and heartache for someone I love deeply. Whenever this happens I want to come out swinging. I want to shout to the world of the misdeeds of others and how they have wronged someone I love more than anything.
Where in this, though, shows the glory of God? Where does it show my devotion to Him? It doesn't. In fact it points everything away from Him and directly into my poor behavior. It points to sin. It robs Him of all He is due, and cheats me out of seeing the blessings in life.
Hebrews 12:14-15 warns against rejecting God's grace.
"Pursue peace with everyone, and holiness-without it no one will see the Lord. Make sure that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no root of bitterness springs up, causing trouble and by it, defiling many.
A good friend of mine once introduced the concept of grace to me by a visual term. A "grace dispenser". Something we all possess. My dispenser gauge always seems to scream "EMPTY", lately. It takes quiet time and prayer to fill up on the grace we need for the day. Running on fumes serves no purpose and causes me to stumble quite a bit.
Thankfully, there is restoration for me. The grace I need to extend to others, is completely and fully extended to me each and every time I mess up. God loves me and He's there to restore me. If He can do this for me, then I in turn need to turn to Him for the strength He provides me in displaying a life lived for God. To fill my grace dispenser into overflowing status.
2 Peter 1:5-8
For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge, and to knowledge, self-control;and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
My prayer for today is asking for God's grace to penetrate and to have a completely forgiving heart. To pray for those who don't even know they walk in darkness. To have my heart so broken for the lost, it causes any anger toward them to be turned into kindness, love and grace.