Organization, commitments and Glory to God

I used to be totally organized to the point of being ridiculous. When my oldest children were in grade school we had tons of friends, tons of bbq's complete with matching dishes and decorations, for a simple bbq!
I made home made valentines with my kids and was volunteer coordinator for one of the grade schools, long after my youngest at the time had moved on to another school. I did it for me. I organized and showed up on time, with out fail to organize picture days, classroom parties and book fairs. I organized and coordinated a teacher appreciation luncheon, not so much for the teachers but for my own glory. I lived to be organized, praised, and people knew they could count on me. I found time in my late thirties to exercise, eat right and fit into three prom dresses and a wedding dress all worn with there was "teen" at the end of my age number.

"organized me" from 2008

The one day in 2009 my life changed. It changed slowly at first. At first I was still the same, I could keep things in my life balanced. As God began to work more on my heart, and as I began to listen more, I became convicted God was calling me to do more. Serving means giving of yourself. It means surrendering to God's purpose. I never pictured myself as someone who's laundry might need to go through several wash cycles, I never knew I might show up for a gymnastics class on the wrong day.I never knew I'd have the courage to take in a stranger.  I never knew I'd even have the courage to navigate my way through an international adoption, nor could I ever picture myself late for anything. I never thought I would have to evaluate what I could or couldn't manage. I used to be able to do it all, with clean floors one could eat off as a bonus! Over time I have come to realized the most important things in life and the plans I had for me no longer exist. I let go of the life I planned for me. I'm no longer going to try an apologize for things I cannot do, or be made to feel guilty about them. I don't have clean floors, there's dog barf stains on my carpet, and I may not get a shower today. But when I get up everyday, I give glory to God for my salvation and I try desperately to serve Him and bring Him glory in all that I do. I fall short miserably, but each day I try. I love my family and my biggest commitment this year is to be the wife and mom I need to be. Each day I work on patience and praying for those who are imprinted on my heart. My passions are serving my God, sharing the Gospel, extending grace, loving my family, and by actively living out the Gospel by adoption and advocacy for those who cannot help themselves. I've had to evaluate my life and what I can actively do giving one hundred percent. I've prayed and felt God directing me to what is most important. I would love to be able to please all people, all the time and have everyone "love" me. In the end, I would lose myself and my purpose God has for my life.

Love, Life and Loss

There I was, living life, maybe struggling just a little bit. Marriage, just like life, has it's ups and downs. We get busy, life happens. We let those we love walk out the door and just maybe in  the moment we are a little irritated with them. A week ago Monday, when I heard the news a young trooper, who was a young husband and father was killed it took me back in time. I imagined back to a time when I was the young trooper's wife. People would ask, "aren't you afraid", to which I would confidentially reply back, "of course not, I know how well he's trained and I know how much he loves this job". Inside though, I always carried the fear. Of course I was afraid! It was always something in the back of my mind then. It didn't consume my life, but it was always there but I knew how much he loved his job and I couldn't imagine him doing anything but what he loved.

So much is swirling in my head when I think about Sarah I cannot even put words to how I feel. When I think of her, I cannot breathe, the emotion and connection to her is overwhelming. I don't want Chris to leave my side, but I know reality is one can't live a normal life in this manner.

I know this lifetime is short and in my heart I understand why bad things happen. My God is always good even when bad things happen. I know the sure promise of eternal life. But for now, I just cannot seem to wash every last undershirt.